The other day my wife was trying to tell me something important when I became distracted by an incoming message on my phone.
Realising that I wasn’t fully present, she stopped mid-sentence and asked me, “Did you hear what I just said?” I replied, “Yes, but I wasn’t listening.”
She looked at me like I had lost my marbles (a look I’m very familiar with now), so I explained to her what I meant.
Hearing and listening are not the same thing.
It’s possible to hear but not listen.
Hearing is a natural sense that we all possess (unless, of course, we were born deaf or have lost our hearing due to age or injury).
Hearing allows us to take in the sounds that fill our environment and alert us to danger and opportunity.
Hearing happens naturally, passively, and automatically without much thought or effort on our part.
Listening, on the other hand, requires intentionality.
Listening happens when we choose to use our gift of hearing to thoughtfully and purposely engage in the pursuit of understanding.
Listening requires attention, focus, discipline, and curiosity.
Listening only happens when we consciously direct our thoughts to what is being heard with the intention of processing and understanding it.
That’s why listening happens with the eyes as well as the ears.
When we listen, we become attuned to the subtle nuances of a person’s facial gestures, body language, and other forms of non-verbal communication.
We ask questions, seek clarification, express empathy, demonstrate sincere curiosity, and take time to reiterate what we have heard to ensure that we have understood it correctly.
Of course, listening doesn’t always happen when it should.
There are obstacles to listening that include, but are not limited to:
1. Distraction – alternative sources of sound compete for our attention, drawing our focus away from the person we are trying to listen to.
2. Assumption – pre-emptively drawing conclusions about what is being communicated can prevent us from hearing correctly.
3. Emotion – feelings of anger, resentment, disappointment, disgust, and offence toward someone can stop us from listening attentively to them.
4. Contention – conflict between people or between our ideas and theirs often leads to an unwillingness to listen.
5. Premeditation – most people don’t listen because they are preparing to respond to what is being said rather than seeking to understand or empathise with it.
If you’re aware of these potential barriers to listening, you can overcome them.
Fortunately, learning to listen more effectively is something we all can do.
It’s a vital part of building long-term healthy relationships, resolving conflicts, and leading well.
So, if you want to improve the quality of your relationships in every area of life, invest some time and energy into the aspect of effective communication we all tend to forget about – good listening.
Jenny Martin
Another article full of truth, thanks Tim x
Helen Healy
A great teaching worth investing in!
Julie Hannaford
I will read this again immediately.
There’s so much here to understand and embrace.
Ageing is the best and worst time of my life. At latst I have perspective.
So many things that were set in motion at a young age in a dysfunctional family caused me to take pathways in haste thinking I had found a way forward. No vision, just jumping down rabbit holes.
Now I can see that sometimes there were alternatives. So easy to berate myself and others.
But I am doing these times in forgiveness letters. For myself and for others. It’s working.
I write it out completely and burn it.
God is the judge not me.
Tim Healy
Sitting at the feet of your own experience and reflecting on what you have seen and heard can be a powerful pathway to wisdom. This is partly the value of age – you have more experience to process! Glad to hear that you are growing in grace, both towards yourself and others. Be kind to both. Blessings. Tim