For Better, for Worse… 6 Types of Marriage

“Marriage is made in heaven, but then again, so are thunder and lightning” – Oscar Wilde.

There are few experiences in life that can produce more joy or pain than marriage.

It is an almost universal human social phenomenon that all cultures have expressed in some shape or form, but how marriage works and why it exists have been the subject of much debate for centuries.

Today there are various types of marriage, including civil and common-law marriages, religious marriages, mixed-orientation marriages, arranged marriages, same-sex marriages and polygamous marriages.

Monogamous marriage (the most common kind in western culture) has significantly changed over the past few hundred years as the purpose of marriage has shifted from an economic arrangement designed to provide women with security and men with progeny to a long-term romantic life partnership.

We now enter marriage with a whole new set of expectations of our partners and will likely (if all things go well) spend most of our lives in close partnership with a single person.

Given the significance and duration of this relationship, it deserves considerable time, attention, and investment.

So, hopefully, the following perspective helps add value to the conversation about this vital aspect of life.

At the risk of over-simplifying a very complex relationship, I want to suggest that there are essentially six types of marriage.

It’s worth noting that I’m limiting myself to monogamous marriage because of its prevalence in our culture.

The Dream Marriage

This is the marriage everyone hopes and prays for.

It occurs when both parties are happy, content, fulfilled, optimistic, and in agreement about their relationship’s purpose and direction. At least the majority of the time.

This is not to say that the relationship is perfect. Even dream marriages can have their nightmare moments.

It simply means that both partners are willing and able to respond with maturity and consistency to the regular ups and downs that occur in every relationship.

Misunderstandings are acknowledged early. Honest conversation happens regularly, and both parties demonstrate mutual trust and respect.

Needs and wants are expressed clearly, and both partners sincerely desire to support one another’s pursuit of happiness.

Forgiveness is offered when it’s asked for, and grace and patience are extended generously.

This type of marriage is probably the closest thing we can experience to heaven on earth.

It’s a beautiful source of life and blessing to both the couple and the broader family or community to which they belong.

Many marriages experience this reality, even if only for a season.

For some, that season lasts the lifetime of the marriage.

The Difficult Marriage

This occurs when the relationship is confronted with severe and protracted adverse circumstances like terminal illness, the death of a child, physical impairment, mental unwellness, or financial hardship.

The relationship may be strong and healthy, but it comes under considerable pressure from unforeseen and uncontrollable factors.

Most relationships can (and do) survive seasons of severe hardship, but some don’t.

Unfortunately, these situations can wear down even the strongest marriages as they significantly strain both parties’ mental, emotional, and physical resources.

Couples can weather the storm with the proper support and a mutual commitment to enduring the difficulty together. Often this can lead to even stronger bonds and deeper levels of intimacy.

Sadly, for some, the “difficult” dimension of marriage comes early and continues throughout the marriage.

For others, it may only be temporary or never eventuate at all.

The Dull Marriage

In this type of marriage, there are no significant external pressures or major internal conflicts. The union has simply lost the vitality and energy that it once knew.

Predictability and familiarity have neutralised any sense of anticipation, and the relationship has slipped into a mindless routine.

Boredom fills the conversation, and there are no new experiences or discoveries to add impetus to the relationship.

All relationships require intentional effort if they are going to thrive, and marriage is no exception.

If there is no deliberate attempt to fill the relationship with new experiences, new connections, new insights, and new discoveries, the relationship will quickly degenerate into not much more than a lifeless, joyless, purposeless co-existence.

Dull marriages can be revitalised by breaking the script and intentionally creating newly shared (or individual) experiences.

Travelling to new places, trying adventurous activities, exploring alternative forms of entertainment, and starting new hobbies are good options here.

Reconnecting with previously loved places, experiences, or people, that once brought joy and fulfilment but have since been eclipsed by the busyness of life can also serve the same purpose.

These experiences can create a renewed sense of “aliveness” for both parties and generate conversations that lead to a deeper interest in one another.

Practising relational curiosity and not defaulting to assumption (which some say is the lowest form of knowledge) can also result in greater levels of mutual appreciation.

The Disappointing Marriage

This is a hard reality for couples to navigate.

It happens when one or both parties feel the relationship hasn’t turned out as they thought or hoped it would.

To a certain degree, all relationships are affected by moments of deep disappointment, but what I am talking about here is more than an occasional let-down.

This is a deep sense of sadness and loss resulting from unrealised expectations in significant aspects of the relationship (parenting, work, sex, money, etc.).

It occurs when it becomes apparent over time that the specific hopes, dreams, and desires brought into the relationship will never be realised.

This could be because the expectations were unrealistic in the first place or simply because the other person can no longer meet them (e.g., due to poor health).

This could include the desire to become parents, the hope of achieving and enjoying a certain standard of living, or the aspiration to pursue a career.

Disappointing marriages needn’t end if both parties are willing to recalibrate their expectations of each other and the relationship and chart a new course for their marriage.

Doing so means redefining their shared and individual goals and releasing one another from the demand of unfair or unrealistic expectations.

In acknowledging the reality of a disappointing marriage, both parties need the maturity to grieve the loss of what they had hoped for and enthusiastically adjust to the new possibilities that exist by reestablishing new expectations and goals for their relationship.

The other side of disappointment can be deeply rewarding.

The Damaged Marriage

This type of marriage suffers from a significant blow to a vital aspect of the relationship like one partner’s trust in or respect for the other.

Often Damaged marriages are like cars that have been in a bumper-bashing. An important part of the marriage has been temporarily but negatively impacted by an unwanted development, like an affair or an addiction, and is now in desperate need of repair.

Trust may need to be re-established. Respect may need to be earned. Desire may need to be rekindled.

Like a damaged car, the marriage can certainly be fixed, but only if both parties are willing to do the work and commit to the costly process of relational restoration.

The “damage” in this instance is usually temporal and the relationship more than capable of dealing with it.

The Destructive Marriage

This is undoubtedly the most painful type of marriage.

It is perhaps the closest thing to hell on earth we can experience relationally.

It happens when one or both parties to the relationship are physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive.

This usually manifests as ongoing violations of trust and respect that leave one or both partners feeling unsafe due to the treatment they receive in the relationship.

These marriages usually do end (and should end) if the abusive behaviour isn’t acknowledged and changed.

Unfortunately, they often end ugly, and it’s not unusual for lawyers, police, and counsellors to be involved.

Despite what anyone says about the “sanctity of marriage” or the lifelong nature of covenant commitment, there is no obligation to stay in a Destructive relationship.

Once abuse has occurred, the “terms” of the covenant have been broken.

Some people, however, struggle to leave an abusive marriage because of fear, control, manipulation, or dependency.

Destructive marriages can be healed and restored, but sadly it’s rare.

What does this mean for your marriage?

The truth is all marriages go through changing seasons and experience varying circumstances within and around the relationship.

This means any marriage can go from “Dream” to “Difficult” or “Disappointing” to “Destructive” and sometimes surprisingly quickly.

Marriages can get off to a “dream” start and find themselves in “difficult” territory, or they can get off to a “difficult” start and work their way into “dream” territory.

Couples can also experience the characteristics of all of the above “types” throughout their marriage and sometimes simultaneously.

However, marriages tend to develop in a particular direction over time.

When you consider the dynamics that most typically mark your marriage, you’ll find that it likely falls into one of the above six categories.

Couples should ask, “What type of marriage is our marriage right now? And what does that mean for what we expect from it and bring to it?”

Honest, loving, candid conversations that clarify your experience of your marriage and identify your marriage’s stage or type will help you take steps forward to either strengthening it, revitalising it, reimagining it, or, if necessary, ending it.

For some couples, exploring the dynamics of their marriage with a trusted professional counsellor, pastor, or therapist goes a long way to developing and deepening the strength of their bond.

If, as a couple, you are struggling in your relationship, remember you are not alone and you are not abnormal.

Every couple struggles and I mean literally every couple.

You don’t need to navigate this relationship alone, so reach out for help.

It could well be the difference between “better” or “worse”.