The Road to Recovery

Some of you will be aware that I am currently on a return-to-work plan and still on the road to recovery after experiencing a major burnout at the end of last year. The journey has been slow and frustrating, but I am so grateful for what I am learning through the experience and the opportunity to grow.

I thought I would take some time to share some of what I have discovered as a result of what I went through last year, as well as what I am learning through the long process of getting well again.

I haven’t figured it all out yet, and there’s a lot about myself that I am still discovering, but I hope that my experience can in some way help you navigate yours if, indeed, you have been through something similar.

Here are 7 things I’ve discovered along the way:

1. Receiving love from others can be as hard as showing love to others

We often assume that loving others is the hard part and that loving those around us can be demanding and inconvenient. Maybe not all of the time but at least some of the time. That’s because the people we are called to love don’t always behave in ways that make them lovable. Loving others requires sacrifice and selflessness, and that is sometimes difficult to accept. However, I discovered that letting other people love me turned out to be just as hard to accept.

Letting people be strong for me when I was weak was difficult because I didn’t want to be an inconvenience. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be an inconvenience. I found that most people didn’t mind coming alongside me to help, to be the strength that I needed when I had no strength of my own. I minded more than they did because it cut across the grain of my pride and my self-sufficiency.

The truth is that life is as much about receiving love as it is about showing love. And it takes humility, vulnerability and selflessness to let other people be there for you in the same way that you would want to be there for them.

2. We tend to under-estimate the physical impact of emotional pain

So much of what happened to me physiologically was not the result of excessive physical work or mental exertion. It was the result of emotional pain that had been unprocessed or unacknowledged for a long period of time. Sure, working long hours and engaging in demanding mental work takes its toll, but the primary cause of burnout isn’t hard work. It’s resentment.

Our souls drain energy like a sieve when we harbour resentment toward people, places, experiences or maybe even toward God, for whatever emotional pain we are experiencing. In turn, that emotional pain has an effect on our bodies that is far greater than we could ever imagine. I found out, in a very painful way, that you can’t have a healthy body if you don’t have a healthy soul. At least not for very long.

Keep ignoring your soul, and eventually, your body will start screaming at you. When it does, pay attention.

3. Finding the right support takes time but makes all the difference

It’s impossible to get through an experience like this without good people around you. Knowing who those people should be is an important part of the process, but it does take time to figure it out. Some are obvious, others take a while to identify.

For instance, my experience with the GP I saw felt clinical and mechanical. He seemed to lack real empathy or compassion, and I felt genuinely unhelped. I quickly realised he probably wouldn’t be a big part of my recovery journey. My first session with one particular psychologist was equally frustrating and unfruitful, so I decided not to proceed with any more sessions. Eventually, though, I made a great connection with another counsellor, which has turned out to be one of the best things I’ve done in a long time.

My ongoing relationship with my ministry mentor, Mark Conner, has also been invaluable, as has my relationship with our Board chair. My family have also been incredibly supportive, and I couldn’t have made any meaningful progress without the encouragement of a few close friends.

My point is simply that it takes good people around you to get through something like this, and knowing who should be on your support team is an important part of the process. Make sure that you gather a great group around you who can advise, counsel and protect you along the way.

4. The best gift you can give to others is the healthiest version of you

Taking the time and creating the space to give attention to every aspect of your health is not selfish or indulgent. Self-leadership is the foundation of all leadership, and, in a somewhat paradoxical way, it is also self-leadership that makes selfless leadership possible.

Managing oneself is a prerequisite for being able to manage others, and that includes the management of our mental, emotional and physical health. I’ve certainly found that to be true. Looking back on my experience over the past 12 months or so, I would say that, in some ways, I failed to lead myself effectively, and I paid the price. So did all those around me. I wasn’t giving my family, my friends or my team the gift of a healthy version of myself.

Initially, I felt really bad about the amount of time I was giving to getting healthy again, but I was constantly assured by those who knew me best and loved me most that the time was necessary and well spent. Someone pointed out that six months of self-care in the context of eighty-five years of living is not a long time, so I didn’t need to feel guilty about it, and neither do you. If you need to take an extended period of time off work or scale back what you do to get back to a place of health, then do it. It’s time well spent.

Self-leadership is the foundation of all leadership. It is self-leadership that makes selfless leadership possible.

tim healy

5. Truth spoken in love is a gift you need to give and receive

Honesty and transparency are essential to getting and staying healthy. You can’t hide the truth about what you are thinking, feeling and questioning. This is the value of a crisis. It forces you to be truthful. It forces you to face the facts and accept reality. There is no shame in owning your truth and reality. It takes courage and humility to do so. If you aren’t doing well, you need to let someone you trust know. Speaking the truth and allowing others to speak the truth to you without being defensive or self-justifying will help fast-track your progress and keep you moving toward health.

6. It’s best to invest in your rest

I used to think of “rest” as something we get to do on the other side of exhausting ourselves. I have since come to believe, however, that rest is the foundation for hard work, not the reward for it. Rest is the starting point, not the finishing point. It’s preparation and not just recovery. It’s always best to work from a position of rest, not toward a position of rest.

Some people believe that they don’t deserve rest unless they have worked themselves to the bone. So they feel guilty when they try because they feel like unless they are spent, they haven’t earned it.

But God rested. Not because He was tired or depleted. He rested because rest is an opportunity to enjoy your life and energise yourself.

So invest in your rest.

Consider for a moment that you spend a third of your life sleeping. We know from research that sleep is essential to almost every aspect of your physical, mental and emotional health. So why not buy the best bed and pillow you can afford? Create the optimum sleeping environment: dark, cool, comfortable and quiet (maybe ambient noise if that’s your vibe). Avoid physical stimulants like caffeine and mental stimulants like blue light screens a couple of hours before going to bed. Don’t charge your phone next to your bed. Prioritise rest, and you will be at your best.

Prioritise rest and you will be at your best.

Tim Healy

7. The heart of the matter is the matter of the heart

I came to the realisation that in the process of trying to protect my heart, I had inadvertently hardened it. The scriptures encourage us to guard our hearts but guarding your heart does not mean closing it off to others or hardening it toward them.

A hard heart is often the result of unprocessed pain. My heart became hardened because of personal pain, not only the pain others were causing me (people can do that to you, often without knowing or trying), but also the pain I was causing others. It’s one of the inevitable and unfortunate prices of answering the call to lead – you will be the source of other people’s pain. Even if your methods are perfect and your motives are pure (which they never are all of the time). Even if you try your best and your intentions are right and good. You will still disappoint, offend, hurt and annoy the people you love and the people you lead. That’s life, and that’s leadership. That’s why regular heart checks are so important.

I have also realised that while God wants our hearts to be healthy, there is a difference between a heart bypass and a heart transplant. I believe God specialises in the former. By that, I mean God wants your heart to be healthy, but He wants it to be your heart, not somebody else’s. You can’t have somebody else’s heart (passion, conviction, calling, values, etc.) and be healthy. You have to be true to your own heart. Know who you are, be who you are and above all, love God with all that you are. That’s the key to a healthy heart.

I hope these insights help. If you are going through something similar to what I experienced late last year, I want to encourage you with this reminder:

Sometimes it’s the hardest experiences in life that are our greatest teachers, and often it’s in our darkest hours that God does some of His finest work.